Archive for 2007

Whether you’re hearing from a colleague who has just received a disappointing performance review, a prospective client who voices her frustration about the economy, or your boss who is frustrated by the lack of participation at staff meetings, you do not need to resolve the issue they’re describing to you.

But, if you are like most people, you jump right in with ideas on how to respond or strategize for better results when someone talks to you about a troubling situation. This reactive approach is your first instinct and from a desire to make the person feel better or to improve his or her situation. Even though your heart may be in the right place, you are guessing at what he or she needs, and not actually hearing the full story. Furthermore, you probably spend much of the time someone is speaking to you planning what you’ll say in response.

It’s is estimated that the adult attention span is about 22 seconds before they are distracted to something else and that we hear only 50% of what is spoken to us and retain only 20% of that for any length of time. What we accurately understand from what is said to us is a paltry percentage of what is said. So, there’s much room for improved communication through real listening.

Here are several tips on listening that may make an important difference in how you communicate from now on.

1. Give your full attention to the person who is speaking.

2. Look at the person’s face and avoid any distractions. If your mind begins to wander, shift the position of your body and try to concentrate on the speaker’s words.

3. Don’t interrupt the speaker before she or he finishes.

4. Listen for main ideas and the feelings the speaker is communicating.

5. When the person is done speaking, tell him or her what you understood.

6. Ask questions if you need clarification. For example, you might say, “When you said that you’ve had it with your job, did you mean you want to quit?

7. Begin to understand that true listening in and of itself is often all you need to do.

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” –Robert McCloskey

“To listen well, is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation.” –Chinese Proverb

Fear is not always a warning that you should stop what you are doing or that there is real danger ahead. If fear is coupled with a feeling of positive anticipation (like butterflies in your stomach), it could signal a new experience that will challenge your limits and your trust. The combination of fear and exhilaration can be a sign that you should move forward and take the risk, rather than retreat.

If the experience you are considering is unfamiliar to you, it’s likely to elicit fear, since most of us are afraid of the unknown. In the course of making your decision, consider: the risks, the potential benefits, and the alternatives. Notice your internal reaction as well as what you intellect tells you.

As we age, life tends to present more opportunities to stretch into other ways of discernment that are not entirely based on logic and cannot easily be settled by a list of the pros and cons.

The 17th century French philosopher and mathematician, Blaise Pascal, affirms this idea in this quote: “The heart has its reason, of which reason knows nothing.”

Stress is part of our lives. You are not alone if you have too much to do, competing demands, relationship conflicts and financial worries that keep you up at night.

When you are dealing with several issues at once, it can be overwhelming. As someone recently described her situation to me: “Its like I’m going through the motions of my life and I’m not in control of any of it.”

At that point, stress is more than a frustration or an annoyance—it’s a danger to your health and well-being. With all of the available articles and published research on that topic, you probably already knew that. Yet, you may feel helpless to change because you are caught up in a non-stop cycle of activity.

One of the key issues causing stress is a misalignment between priorities and actions. For example, you may believe that your family is your highest priority, yet you consistently miss important their events or celebrations in favor of work. Or, you may state that your health is very important, but have not scheduled an annual physical or taken action to reduce your blood pressure.

Since there are many factors that contribute to stress that are our of your control, it’s useful to focus something on which you can take action. Knowing that you are not living true to your highest priorities is stressful, and you can change that. Here’s how you might begin:

1. List the highest four priorities in your life.

2. Rate yourself from 1-5 on how closely your life reflects these (i.e. Are you walking your talk?)

3. Pick one priority that is out of alignment (rated 1-3).

4. Identify one small step you can take within the next two weeks to make this priority more prominent in your life. Do not underestimate the power of any step in shifting the whole pattern. The point is to begin the change.

5. Repeat the exercise every 3 months or sooner.

If there are several areas of out alignment, check in with yourself and let you heart tell you where to start.

The eighth Provence retreat has just ended and I’m pleased to say that this year’s was a remarkable experience. I was delighted by all of the women participants and found that they taught me a few things that I’d like to pass on to you in my blog. I’ll do this by sharing vignettes from the week (with names changed) in which one of the actions is highlighted.

#1: Let go of your expectations and go with the flow of what presents itself.

Carol arrived in Nice a few days early to get acclimated to the time change and cultural shift. I wish that the concierge at her hotel had been reading David Lee’s blog on customer service because he was far from congenial or welcoming. Her images of the first days in France were shattered by the lack of attention and rudeness she experienced. Carol actually thought of going home, but decided to stick it out and see what else the week might bring. At the end of her stay, she felt proud that she had persisted and felt that her stay in France exceeded her expectations.

# 2: Remember to smile often and find something positive in whatever happens throughout the day.

After two decades traveling to the south of France, I know that September in Provence is typically sunny with a slight breeze. That said, I was not prepared for the inclement weather that abruptly swept into the area during the middle of the retreat week. “Le mistral”, as the French refer to a nasty, strong and cold north wind, came with a vengeance. Along with it came a soaking rain after 6 months of drought.

I was concerned that my visitors, who had already enjoyed a few days of typical Provence sun, would be disappointed about the gray rainy skies and nip in the air. But, I was wrong. Not only did each woman take the weather in stride with a smile, but also expressed appreciation for an alternative plan for the day.

#3: Be open to new and different insights about yourself and your life journey, even if you do not at first fully understand them.

There’s something rather magical about the south of France that elicits one’s inner knowing rather quickly profoundly. While some women have preferred to stick with their initial ideas for a focus for the week, this year’s group considered new insights and directions to pursue as they came up. Each was amazed by the shifts in awareness made by being willing to stay open even when the significance of the new direction was not immediately understood.

# 4: Seize moments of silence and stillness to listen to yourself and your inner knowing.

There’s much to see and do here in Provence, only 15 minutes from the Riviera and the Mediterranean Sea. Yet, this week is advertised as a retreat with inherent time for reflection and stillness. To recognize the introspective part of the week, I gift each woman with a hand-decorated journal upon arrival. Whether or not each woman takes the time to write in her journal is her choice. Jayne, in particular, touched me by her vigilance to writing—something she had not seriously done before. Each day, she’d tell me how she was awoken the night before from her sleep by the need to write her thoughts and feelings. Rather than dismiss this call and return to sleep, Jayne would open her journal and fill the pages until she was ready to sleep again.

While I believe that beautiful environments and a shift in daily routines can change your experience of life, it is not necessary to visit an exotic place to realize these effects. Perhaps you can capture some of the energy of a Provence retreat by keeping the four actions in mind as you go about your day.

Think about it: does your life and work truly represent you, or does it portray someone else’s plan for you? If you are not certain, you might ask yourself how you feel about your life in general. Is it consistent with your personality, values and desires? Just to put this question into perspective, it can take a lifetime to sort this out.

If you are like most, you’ve spent the first part of your life figuring out what others expected of you and trying to follow suit. At some point, it occurred to you that your decisions were not all a good fit. This realization may be most evident in your career.

Perhaps your work is something you do well and meets people’s expectations of you, but is not engaging. Perhaps your work is a way to meet your obligations, but it does not call on talents or abilities you find satisfying. Perhaps your work is more about someone else’s dream than your own.

If any of these ideas rings true, you’ve probably been aware of it for some time, but have not figured out how or if you want to change.

It’s often easier to continue with the familiar aspects of life, rather than face into the unknown. However, you can experience great satisfaction when you align who you are with what you do. Anticipation of a more desirable outcome can make the initial questions and confusion manageable.

Begin with four questions:

1. What aspects of my life and work truly represent me?

2. What parts do not and in what ways?

3. What are three aspects of myself (values, skills, or interests) that I’d like to see more of in my life and/or work?

4. What is one step I could take that would bring this aspect of myself more fully into my life and/or work?

Make a commitment to yourself to move forward with this step in the next month and see what happens as a result. Whatever you choose to do does not have to directly relate to the area of your life in which you desire change. You know what they say about taking small steps: they can often have a significant ripple effect.