Archive for the ‘Intentions & Goals’ Category

A friend of mine recently shared the good news that she had realized several important goals in her life. Remembering a time not long ago when she felt frustrated and stuck, I asked her what she thought was key to the dramatic shift.

I could tell that she was not entirely clear about it, but that the concept of a key element intrigued her. In search of an answer, she began to relay the chronology of events. There came a point when it was evident to both of us that the shift from frustration to momentum occurred after she took action on one goal in particular.

That goal was significant because it was the one out of three over which she had entire control. Acting on her desire to reach a goal without having to wait for someone to act or something to happen was empowering and motivating. Her momentum increased and before she knew it, the other two goals started to come together to the point where she could step in and do what was needed to complete them.

Using my friend’s success as a guide, here are a few simple, yet effective steps you can take to move closer to your goals:

1. Make a list of what you want and recognize what is actually in your control.
2. Focus your wholehearted attention and act on what you can do something about.
3. Take stock to determine whether or not progress has shifted around your other goals to the point where you can now take action.

Thanks to “http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Secret_(2006_film)” The Secret, people are giving much attention these days to attracting what they want in their lives. Without going into to detail about my opinion of the best selling book and DVD, I’ll share what I know about manifesting your desires. Let’s just say that it’s not quite as simple as the popular “wish for it and it’s yours law of attraction”.

First of all, clarity is key. But, that does not mean that you have to know specifically what you want. If that sounds like a contradiction, it’s not necessarily so. You can recognize the essence of what you want without being able to describe all the details about it.

For example, many of my clients want a new job or career. Initially, they cannot name the job title, the prospective employer or, in some cases, even the skills they want to use in their new work. But, they are always able to identify the outcome they desire as a result of the change.

Whether it is increased compensation that includes a retirement plan, an opportunity to make a meaningful contribution to a cause, or an increased intellectual challenge, people know what they are looking for in the transition.

Not being able to identify the specifics often presents a roadblock to people desiring a change. They make assumptions about what they need to know in order to find it or move forward. I believe it is okay, and in many cases, the best strategy, to let go of the specifics of a desire and let possibilities flow. In doing just that, it is likely that options that you hadn’t imagined begin to present themselves. You can start talking about the outcome and see what happens.

In addition to clarity about the outcome you desire, it’s important to be flexible around the timeframe by which you want it to happen. Most desires include a host of details that are not in our control. In order to be flexible, you may have to enact a “Plan B” while “Plan A” is germinating (e.g. taking a temporary job while you aim for the permanent one).

Perhaps the most important tip of all is to learn to have patience with the process and to trust in yourself. Both are difficult to sustain amid “get it quick” schemes that lack the discipline and personal challenge typically inherent in important life transitions.

Imagine that you have no other place to be for an entire day and you find yourself in the most fantastic of all bookstores. Books and magazines artfully displayed on any topic imaginable, along with cozy chairs and a well-stocked café, are at your disposal. Take a moment and give in to this fantasy, then step back and notice where you go and what you do.

Are you wandering from aisle to aisle to see what catches your eye, or do you immediately seek out that one particular section that gets your heart pumping at the thought of it? Is it understood that you’d be lured in by biographies, or another topic such as home repair, health, art history, gardening, sports trivia or mysteries? Perhaps your passion for cooking has you hovering over the latest tips on grilling or studying the array of food lovers’ guides to Paris.

Take a moment to picture yourself in the midst of such resources with no one dictating what or where you have to be. Where do you naturally gravitate and what holds your attention?

…Now consider your life beyond the bookstore and the topics of interest you sought out during your day there. In any given week, how often do you make time for these interests? Is that amount of time adequate? If not, how much more time would you like? Is there a particular interest you would like to pursue, but have not made the time?

It’s common for me to ask my clients about their life and pursuits outside of work. While some people do turn hobbies into moneymaking endeavors, they are not the norm. And typically, I am not fishing for a new career direction from their list of leisure time activities.

Rather, my question has more to do with whether or not they are involved in activities that truly engage them. When a person’s life lacks meaning, they might think that a new job or a career transition will fill the void that may have more to do with life outside of work. In that case, they may have named the wrong suspect and that could confuse and delay the career planning process.

The antidote: Live a full life that includes activities in which you can wholeheartedly engage. Hopefully, your work will present many of those opportunities. But, after all, unless your work IS the fantasy bookstore, it will always have its limitations that must be addressed by other pursuits.

If you can relate to the question, then chances are you feel a bit lost, like you are spinning your wheels and going nowhere. You’re probably keenly aware of people who have job titles and professions you wouldn’t mind mentioning at parties, or former classmates who seemed to have defined their career niche years ago.

All of this comparing is depressing and makes you wonder if you’ll ever catch up to the place you believe you should be on your career path.

Even though you may feel rather hopeless at this point because you don’t know how to turn things around, it can actually be a pivotal time. It’s often when you reach a low point where life seems to slow down enough that you can actually begin to negotiate a turn for the better.

Here are several practical steps to get on track in establishing a focus and career direction:

1. Recognize the truth to the cliché “there is no time like the present”, and trust the timing of how your life is unfolding.
2. Let go of regrets about what you have not accomplished to date. While this may be easier said than done, begin by deliberately shifting your attention from those thoughts that make you feel inferior to those that are more uplifting.
3. Make time in your life for reflection and for addressing questions about what you want. Schedule a few hours each week to write in a journal, delve into a career related workbook, or read an inspirational book about finding your life’s work. A few of my favorites include: Work With Passion by Nancy Anderson, I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was by Barbara Sher, The Pathfinder by Nicholas Lore, Callings by Greg Levoy, and Crossing the Unknown Sea: Work As A Pilgrimmage To Self, by poet David Whyte.
4. Identify a couple of jobs/careers that are of interest to you. Think about the connection they have with who you are and what you value at this time. Pick one to investigate. Jot down your assumptions and questions about it.
5. Interview at least three people who do this work so you become more informed and clear about this option. After the interviews, decide if it you are still interested. If so, take another step and determine the best way to become qualified or to apply for this position.
6. Congratulate yourself! You now have a direction!

Imagine that you were given a guarantee: You could take any risk and succeed at it. Would it change the course of your life? Does any one thing come to mind that you would want to do under these circumstances? If an idea surfaced as you asked yourself these questions, perhaps it warrants some further attention.

Fear of failure needlessly squelches many interesting and creative ideas. It is often why people lose motivation when contemplating a transition—they get scared that the idea won’t work even before they have fully thought it through.

I’m not certain why people tend to focus their attention on potential failures, or “the worst thing that could happen” scenarios, but I suppose it has to do with self-protection. However, a false sense of safety gained from avoiding risks can come with a high price, as many of us trade off the possibility of realizing our dreams.

Here are a few steps you might consider if you want to revive an idea that has fallen prey to a fear of failure mindset:

Listen to any response that comes from the question: What if you could not fail?

Ask yourself what is it about this idea that is so appealing?

What aspects of yourself would be engaged by such an idea?

What assumptions do you have about this idea?

What else do you need to know about this idea and where or from whom can you find out?

What is one step you could take to move a little closer to this idea in order to see it more clearly?

After you’ve taken these steps, ask yourself how you now feel about the idea? Are you more energized about it? Less interested? If clarifying your idea increased your interest, think about what else you could do to further its development. Take things one step at a time in order to avoid becoming overwhelmed by the whole of it, or by the unknown aspects that may cause you to make up stories about it.

Our culture has rituals to mark important life passages: graduations, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries and deaths, to name a few. As we commemorate these passages, we may also use the occasion to reflect on our lives. But what else prompts us to take stock and think about life when there is not an event to celebrate or recognize?

Sometimes it’s a nagging sense that we should be doing something else, an increasing frustration with our current reality, or even an unexpected opportunity that get our attention. These feelings or situations can nudge and even inspire us to look beyond our status quo and imagine possibilities for our future.

It’s arguably easier to ignore the prompts that come with far less fanfare than a wedding gala or retirement party. But, sometimes it is those subtler cues that arrive in a whisper and contrast enough with the rest of our lives to make us notice. Having diverted our attention, these cues remind us of what is most pressing in our lives. In further contrast with how we typically receive information from the outside in, these prompts come from deep within us and invite us to participate in our own process of discovery. Their message is simple and complete: Slow down, listen and reflect. The results may surprise you or even change the course of your life.

I’m continuously amazed by my clients’ poetic and poignant statements as they express their struggle and desire to find work that aligns with who they are.

In a whisper of a voice she said: “I have a yearning.” Hearing those words, I released an empathetic sigh and leaned in to hear more of what she had to say. What followed was a dialogue about an intense desire to reclaim a part of herself she had abandoned long ago.

Sometimes we forgo options in life that are more appealing in favor of those choices that allow us to keep our responsibilities or commitments in tact. The choice of the more pragmatic road, while it is satisfying in its own way, can have an impact on us that we do not realize until later in life.

It may not be until you hit 40 or 50 that you notice a pull in a different direction, typically in the work arena. This tug is often vague at first. But, if you give it attention and allow yourself to be curious rather than fearful or discounting, you will begin to get glimpses of what is calling you.

The poet,”http://davidwhyte.bigmindcatalyst.com/cgi/bmc.pl?page=home.html&node=1015” David Whyte, writes about this experience in his poem “Easter in Wales”:

A garden inside me, unknown, secret,
neglected for years,
the layers of its soil deep and thick.
Trees in the corners with branching arms
and the tangled briars like broken nets.

Sunrise through the misted orchard,
morning sun turns silver on the pointed twigs.
I have woken from the sleep of ages and I am not sure
if I am really seeing, or dreaming,
or simply astonished
walking toward sunrise
to have stumbled into the garden
where the stone was rolled from the tomb of longing.

The experience of giving in to a deep longing can be one of the richest in life. But it is important to understand that the path to its discovery is to be appreciated and attended to, much like the garden that is awaiting.

You would be giving yourself a gift in this New Year to ask whether you have a longing. If this resonates, it’s likely that as you ask the question, you’ll feel it deep within, even before your mind can try to figure out what it is. Work with your images, write down your thoughts and feelings, work gently toward the fulfillment of your longing.

Wishing you all the best for the New Year….

Being in a place of uncertainty is difficult for most people. A person’s tendency is to leave the unknown with its vague and unsettling qualities for a clearer path. Yet, there are times in life when, as much as we would like a more defined direction, it is not to be found.

In the American culture, there is much value placed on getting something done and not much tolerance for being in the process of figuring something out. Yet, the fact remains that any transition has three stages: a beginning stage when it occurs to us that we need a change, a middle stage where we are fraught with confusion and unanswered questions, and an end when we move fully into the new possibility.

Most of us expect and cope with the first and last stages, but we prefer to circumvent the middle one, perhaps because it seems unproductive in our fast-paced outcome-driven culture. But the middle stage has its own meaning and importance in the scheme of things.

This middle stage is a liminal place—the time in-between one reality and another. It can be rich with anticipation and excitement for what is to come, or frustrating and annoying for its inherent lack of definition and directives. As is the case with any threshold, there is a time to step over it into the new place.

Some people, driven by anxiety, rush over the threshold to quell the discomfort that comes with being in unknown territory. They typically experience a mix of outcomes that result from fear-based decisions.

On the other hand, there are those who choose to embrace the liminal place as a legitimate stage in their transition convinced that it holds promise and purpose. They patiently and intentionally wait for external and internal indicators to move into the next phase. All the while, they eagerly anticipate, like a good friend who is coming, the moment when they’ll know the move is right

Is there currently a liminal place in your life about which you could shift your attitude?

Some say the French live for their vacations. They spend several months contemplating and planning, then enjoying their time off; and finally they spend the month after talking about their adventures. In a country where everyone receives by law a minimum of six weeks paid leave per year, there’s reason to ponder and plan for leisure time.

I wish I could say that Americans have the same attitude and verve for vacations, but we do not by a long shot. Even with vacation benefits averaging one-third the French, research now shows that we are not even taking the meager time off that we’re allotted. In fact, some studies reveal that some Americans are actually losing vacation time because they are not using it within a year to two. The average number of consecutive days off that Americans take is a paltry three to four. In my mind, that’s hardly time to do a few of the chores that have been waiting for a year and pack the suitcases, let alone provide anyone with a respite from work and daily demands.

After a busy summer tourist season in the South of France, it is common at this time of year to see signs in local shops that say: “Fermeture Annuelle”, or “Annual Closing” along with the date they’ll reopen. While on one hand I may be disappointed that my favorite restaurant, wine cellar or pottery studio is not at my disposal, I am also glad to see that even the small business owners here succumb to several weeks of R&R.

Americans fall short of this curve as well, especially when it comes to entrepreneurs taking a well-deserved break from work. At U.S. conferences and seminars for small business owners, I see workshops and keynotes with titles like “work/life balance” and “having a life while you succeed in your business” included in the offerings to participants. While there may be an awareness of an “overdoing it” problem in our workplaces, there does not seem to be much of a change toward more moderated work patterns.

Stress-related symptoms account for 9 out of 10 visits to the doctor in our country. I think there is a connection here. I’m curious now about what physical maladies confront the French—perhaps the stress of reentry from a month in the country or at the seaside? But, then, they have so many details to recount that keep their memories alive for at least a month after their return to work…

Last night I gave a talk to the Midcoast Women’s Connection that gathered for the fall kick off meeting at the Common Table in South Harpswell. The long winding drive to the retreat space which doubles as a B&B, was pleasant and provided a welcome transition from my busy day of clients.

The women seemed eager to hear me address the topic of the evening: “How To Feel Renewed in Your Work and Life”. It is a subject about which I am frequently asked to speak. The requests for this topic no longer surprise me since I’m keenly aware of the research that cites that Americans are too busy, overcommitted, and caught in a cycle of overwork.

As I began to address the women, I veered from my prepared notes—a tendency with which I’m becoming more and more at ease as I trust in my ability to respond in the moment to what is most relevant. I spoke from my own personal story about times when I have felt the mystery of life with its array of unplanned experiences and how they had been a source of renewal for me.

I explained how the charming French village of Biot shifted from a mere vacation destination to my deeply comforting home away from home. I was totally taken aback by the turn of events that led to my tender and unexpected feelings toward Biot. First came the experience of being robbed by gypsies in Italy that, in a bizarre set of circumstances, totally cut off my money flow for a week, A “chance” meeting with a Marymount sister just days before proved to be my ticket out of Italy as she loaned me more than enough money to pay for my hotel bill and gas to retreat to France where Biot awaited.

Having settled into Biot for just two days, I received word that my mother had died unexpectedly, leaving me only a day to depart for her funeral after being abroad for 8 months. Once again I did not anticipate the next turn of events that proved to be significant in my life—an Air France pilots’ strike prevented my departure to attend her funeral and I was faced with the question of how to mark her death hundreds of miles from my family and friends. I will forever remember the 14th century church in the village dedicated to Mary Magdelene where I brought yellow roses, a favorite of my mothers. I sat in stillness and silence as I remembered and grieved. There is a peacefulness that comes with giving in to the present moment and I was grateful for the calm.

The women who attended my talk last night did not know how I would approach the topic, nor did I plan the way it unfolded. Yet, their response was favorable and many shared their own examples of experiencing the mystery of life and its accompanying sense of renewal.

It’s not a coincidence that I’m writing this blog on my way to my flight bound for my beloved village of Biot where I hold an annual women’s retreat. I just now realized how this venture recreates for me and other women an environment where we can open to whatever life presents and be supported and guided.

My intention is to continue the tradition that I began last year of sharing excerpts of my time in Provence in my blogs. I hope you will enjoy the journey too.